On the SIDE and the other...

(Taken from my old blog site---september 7, 2005)

They say I'm unlucky in love...and yah, I guess I am...and the worst part is...its self inflicted. My past relationships are the living proof of my strange fixation to always find myself on the losing end. Whether it was for convenience, or fear of loving too much, I just seem to allow myself to be in this kind of predicament. That's why I never thought I would ever put myself in a situation where I would assume the role of being the aggressor...the player...the pimp...call it in anyway you want...but being on this side of the coin is probably the worst thing that can ever happen to someone who's only dream is to love and be loved. Not even in my wildest dreams have i ever considered myself being such...coz I, more than anyone, should know too well how it feels like to be on the "side". But, like i said,i inflicted this upon myself...I did this, and i deserve all the consequences that would come out of it. I wasn't aware at all about the rules of "THE GAME", I didn't even know that I was "IN" it but I played it...without realizing that the stakes are too high...and involves the only person who taught me the meaning of selfless love. The inconsiderate, mean and selfish bitch... I am "all of the above" to him now and I'm taking it all in. I have forsaken the one person I supposedly chose to save me from this unfortunate luck in love... How ironic is it to be in this endless pursuit only to find out that even when it's right under your nose...you still pushed for the complicated route bec you got so used to it?Maybe it's about time I realize that loving can actually be "such an easy thing to do"...that it can be as natural as being with the person you can come home to or as easy as allowing someone to see the real you. I lost the only REAL thing I have in my life bec of my desire to live in that fantasy...the pseudo reality i have created for myself sustained me for the longest time that i refused to come down and confront my fears...i preferred to stay within my comfort zone where there's no one else but me, hoping against hope that eventually i can turn this thing into what destiny has for me...I just wanted it so bad to be him...eventhough i know it will never be...

As I was living in the world of pseudo reality, my heart was touched and swept away by someone who accepted and embraced all of the things i can and cannot be...I had that one rare chance to experience what its like to love without conditions, without fear and inhibitions...and I shared it with the person who was able to bring out the true and real me...Suddenly, this one unexpected moment was all it took for me to hit the ground and wake up from my reverie.and before I knew it...i was free.The truth has set me free. and i found myself finally letting go of him, my created reality, with every dream and hope i have of US. But as much as its liberating, it was painful.On both ends and mine.yes, it took me this long to realize that..but being all too aware of that now, I'm really looking forward to a better gamble on the love thingy, with the NEWLY IMPROVED, still IMPERFECT but RECOVERING me...But then again,I've always welcomed the idea of "being alone but not lonely"...or single but happy..