On BOTH Ends...

(Taken from old blog site---september 7, 2005)

Someone told me that walking away from love is the hardest thing that one can ever do...but i did it. Twice. I never thought I could ever muster enough courage to be the one to say goodbye...i just got too used to being the unassuming-how-come-i-didn't-see-it-coming-what-am-i-gonna-do-without-you party...I've always been a crybaby so i guess the crying part wasn't at all too hard for me to do...tears tears tears, days of nonstop wailing until you're too dried up to a even shed a drop. It has become...shall i say, routinary, that you never realized how you've turned so cynical about the whole process of being in a relationship. Everything is preempted and anticipated--You fall in love (or so you thought),get bored (you never really shared a lot of things together), wait until HE gets bored (enough to give him time to come up with a good breakup line), find a reason to raise the issue (ladies first!),irritate him enough to get fed up and leave you... so when you get to the crying part again, you can still save enough tears for the next one.

But to be the i-have-no-other-choice-but-to-leave-and-let-you-go party, is a whole new different story...the reason itself on why you have to leave will always be the case in question...and most often than not, it will never be enough to compensate for the pain you've caused to the person you once loved and shared a lot of memories with...and the tears, every drop is like a thorn that bores through the heart of the one you loved, you suddenly feel numb, as you fight back the tears that starts to fall, for it will give away the pain you try so hard to conceal. I've always been the assertive, the vocal, the strong one. So I guess it wouldn't be too complicated to jump the gun and tell the truth.But to bear seeing the love of your life, fold up and break into tears,feel betrayed and wronged by you, is something i can never get used to at all and never will...so much that Id rather just come up with a good excuse or a better way of saying it in the hope that eventually, he would understand the whole situation and maybe someday, feel good about each other again.But just like how the song goes...there's no easy way to break somebody's heart, no matter how honest your intentions are...you're still bound to give them enough reasons to hate you and that's something beyond your control...so might as well lay all your cards on the table and leave it up to them.I admit, i resorted to the less complicated way of dealing with the situation...but the guilt am dealing with now is far deeper than if i chose the harder route...the truth.But for sure, it would've been more liberating..and maybe, just maybe we could still preserve the most important thing that made this relationship worth all the hurt and the pain we endured....the love we had and the all the memories we shared together...twice is enough...live and learn...and honestly, id rather do the whole crying ordeal than put up with something like this again..