Restraint

(Taken from old blog site in 2005---)

At this particular moment, I just wanna grab the phone and call you.So I can hear your voice and I'd know right then and there, everything's gonna be okay. I check my email every minute, hoping to hear from you...a simple "HI" would suffice...no need for words or explanation. Just the thought that halfway across the world...at this very moment, you're thinking about me too is more than enough to wash my fears away.. I miss you so much...and it's taking every inch of my strength to stop myself from doing this. That's the least that I can do I guess. But it hurts me more every time I realize that you can last this long without hearing from me.

Why are we doing this to each other?WE are supposed to be each other's strength. We promised to one another that no matter what, we are gonna get through this...together. I know you're hurting. And God knows how much I want to just take you in my arms and let you know how sorry I am for allowing this situation to come in between us...but i thought you know better.

It pains me to think that we are slowly drifting apart. I feel so miserable and completely helpless. HURT. Because I feel like you're giving up on us. And its only a matter of time until we get to that point where one would say enough is enough. I don't know if i'll ever be prepared for that moment...I'm not ready to let go.

I just hope that one of us is feeling better about this. Maybe that's the least consolation that I can get to realize that this non-communication is doing one of us some kind of good. I don't know how long I can last like this. But it's probably the least I can do to let you know that I completely respect your feelings about this. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I hate you.