On Your Birthday My Dear Princess Amara

Dear Amara,

Another year has passed. Oh and what a year that was!To say that it has been "colorful" is quite fitting I suppose but I know that it has also been overwhelming for you. I remember it was the day after your birthday last year when I asked you on your thoughts about moving here to Manila from Los Angeles.You asked me why and I told you that it was because Manila has always been my home. I was so touched when you said "Well mommy you follow your heart. I dont know how to speak Tagalog and there's no Disneyland here so I don't know if this is my home but I go where you go, as long as we're together I am happy." 

I couldn't help but cry. For such a young & innocent mind, you've always had this knack for understanding complicated situations that even adults sometimes find difficult to comprehend. I know it has not been an easy ride for you---being away fr your dad,moving to a new school,a new home,making new friends,and transitioning into an unusual family environment. I know it can be all too much to take in;but somehow you make us feel like you're comfortably "breezing" through it. 

You have so many questions!Yes...and we openly and truthfully answer them for you.When you're perplexed, your inquisitive mind just gets the better of you and you never stop until you find your "answer". You never cease to amuse me with these big words that come out from your little mouth. I remember one time I asked you on what you feel about mommy and baba being together. You said "Mom I've never seen you so happy. And I know Baba makes you feel that. It shouldn't matter if you are with a girl as long as you have MEANINGFUL love." I cried, yet again. I know you hate it when mommy cries. But I can't help but feel so proud that we have raised such an amazing little person with a heart so big and so pure.

Looking at you,I have my validation that I must have done something right.You always make me want to be better. You make me want to be the best version of myself.

Today on your birthday, I want to thank you for being the best daughter that one could ever have. I thank God everyday because HE gave me You. You redefined my entire existence. Having you has taught me how to love selflessly and unconditionally. I will forever be grateful because I was given the privilege to raise a child as wonderful and as beautiful as you.

HAPPY 6TH BIRTHDAY MY PRECIOUS PRINCESS!!! 

To see you grow up into this beautiful little lady is beyond words...you are my LIFE.

Love,

Mommy

#amarasday #zazafamily #amara

...

Never expect, never assume, never ask and never demand. Just let it be. Because if it's meant to be. It will be.

Why...why did you lie to me?

Restraint

(Taken from old blog site in 2005---)

At this particular moment, I just wanna grab the phone and call you.So I can hear your voice and I'd know right then and there, everything's gonna be okay. I check my email every minute, hoping to hear from you...a simple "HI" would suffice...no need for words or explanation. Just the thought that halfway across the world...at this very moment, you're thinking about me too is more than enough to wash my fears away.. I miss you so much...and it's taking every inch of my strength to stop myself from doing this. That's the least that I can do I guess. But it hurts me more every time I realize that you can last this long without hearing from me.

Why are we doing this to each other?WE are supposed to be each other's strength. We promised to one another that no matter what, we are gonna get through this...together. I know you're hurting. And God knows how much I want to just take you in my arms and let you know how sorry I am for allowing this situation to come in between us...but i thought you know better.

It pains me to think that we are slowly drifting apart. I feel so miserable and completely helpless. HURT. Because I feel like you're giving up on us. And its only a matter of time until we get to that point where one would say enough is enough. I don't know if i'll ever be prepared for that moment...I'm not ready to let go.

I just hope that one of us is feeling better about this. Maybe that's the least consolation that I can get to realize that this non-communication is doing one of us some kind of good. I don't know how long I can last like this. But it's probably the least I can do to let you know that I completely respect your feelings about this. Fuck. Who am I kidding? I hate you.

Good for You

(taken from old blog site---)

I hope you’re happy with your newfound distraction…that it’s more than enough to keep you sane and get you through the rest of this ordeal without losing yourself. As much as it hurts, I gotta give you credit for finding ways to cope with the situation…and what a way for you to find a good enough reason to move on. A brand new "friend".

A friend once said to me that the easiest way to forget someone is to have someone else…I’m not saying that whoever that person is will replace the one you love, but she may probably be enough to keep you company and ease you out of the misery that you’ve been going through since this whole thing started. Good for you…

LOVE/HATE

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman-

D(ONE)

(Taken from an old blog site--)

Done
Function: adjective
Date: 14th century
1 : arrived at or brought to an end;
2 : doomed to failure, defeat, or death

Never thought this 4-letter word can be so...fatal. One syllable. And it's enough to wash away the one thousand and one dreams that were created and built from the non-existence of this WORD. The pursuit for permanence and a future that awaits with so much promise have fallen short of empty.All because...It's DONE.Shit.I HATE this word (and whoever said this). This is now my most hated word in the world....there's just so much hopelessness,defeat and finality in it.

I always ends up in this boat...But I thought this one was an exception. I ALMOST believed that it was going to be different from the rest...well, almost. What hurts the most is that I gave up all my defenses. I didn't see this coming....Having been used to being always on guard, Im the first to push that person away the moment I feel threatened. That's why I end up being on the losing end all the time because I'm just too cautious to give anyone a chance to come too close. And then you came along.

You made me believe in PERMANENCE. You made me believe that forever exists--no matter what. That's its a reality waiting to happen if only I could open up my heart to it and let go. But oops! I did it again...

You had me fooled by your selflessness. I gave all my love without inhibition...all of that and more. Only to end up here. Back where you picked me up. Sorry L, welcome back to the same boat. Another one bites the dust...this time it's me.

I HATE YOU for doing this. Your words were nothing but empty promises. And I believed it. YES, It was good,no, GREAT, while it lasted... IT ALWAYS IS...and thank you for that...Ive learned a lot. BUT I TOLD YOU there's no such thing as permanence....you just proved me right.

It hurts so much.I really thought you're D'ONE. But now it's DONE.

I miss you AMARA.

I just saw a video of my daughter performing at her very first school play in Nursery school and my heart broke. She was amazing. She's the most beautiful, adorable, talented two year old (and im not just saying this bec im her mom) among all the students and I'm so proud to be her mom. Too bad I wasn't physically there to witness it.Thus...my heart is broken into pieces.

It's been exactly 33 days since I last held my daughter AMARA in my arms, hug her tight, give her butterfly kisses, put her to sleep....and it's killing me. I miss her so much. This is the longest time we've ever been away from each other----Since the day she was born, we've always been together.From sun up to sun down,morning, noon, and night...i wake up and sleep with amara in my arms so I guess you can imagine how miserable these 33 days have been, trying to adjust to the fact that she's not with me.

The distance ---as bad as it has been, has given me a lot of insights about the importance of being there for your child every step of the way especially during her fundamental years. It's only been a month, but it seems like I've missed out on the many things that she has learned within the 4 weeks of my absence. I cant even believe that ONLY a month has gone by because it seems like I havent seen her forever....and every time I get the chance to check on her, she seems to be learning a new thing each time: How she learned quite a number of songs within the first two weeks--Ring-around-the-roses with matching "fall down" towards the end, DO-RE-MI from the Sound of Music, and the infamous "I can sing better than you"; she can now count from 1-20, a five more improvement from her 1-15. She can now make thumbs up sign saying "good job" or bring out the pointing finger to say "No no no no noooo" and the many many more wonderful new things that she discovers everyday...It brings me so much joy just knowing that she was able to adjust very well despite my absence but I cant help but feel bad because I cannot share it with her.

BUT... Im coming home in a week.Until then, I will keep myself happy by just appreciating and enjoying her everyday progress as I see my baby turn into such a cute little woman----yes like an adult;mind you, terrible twos dont apply to her...

I love you AMARA and always keep in mind that I will do everything to give the best for you.