B.K. --a year after

"I was reading Kristine's blog about her MADRID rendezvous with Bon and Tita Emma when I heard a cry...ooops! Duty calls. I picked up AMARA and fed her...an hour has passed...breastfeeding time again. I decided to bring her with me by the computer so I can finish up on my reading...halfway through...I heard a cry...AGAIN...I checked on AMARA but she was quietly nursing.... then...I realized it was my own. I didn't realize that I was sniffling through Kristine's words and sentences. "

--- This was a draft that I never finished. Product of my lagging everytime I attempt to start writing again. I dunno, it may never come back...I cant seem to put words toether anymore as I used to before. It's a sad reality that Im starting to accept..I used to write a lot. I was actually good...at least from my perspective. I didn't have a hard time expressing myself....but now...I feel like Im always grasping for words. My brain seems unable to process the things that I want to say...so now, here I am, not knowing if I'll even come close to finishing what I wanted to write about one year ago..but I wanna try. At least...for my sanity...to just scribble whatever's going through my mind...and hope that somehow...words will find its own place and help me pull through...

Finding LOVE

Just when I was already becoming
Cynical in the idea of love,
When I’ve almost given up in the
Hope that I would find the right one…
You came along.

Just when I was getting used to being alone
When I’ve convinced myself that
I didn't need anyone because I am strong
You found me at my weakest
And made me realize something
I always knew but was afraid to admit…
I want to be loved.

Just when I thought I will never have
The chance to experience LOVE at its best
You gave me your heart and made me feel how
It’s like to open myself up to the possibility
Of experiencing the most important feeling
One can ever have…
To love selflessly and be loved in return

FLAMENCO Feet

(Taken from old blog site---December 6, 2006)

Who would've thought that after indulging myself with a few flamenco classes just so i could shake off the flamenco bug that bit me during my Madrid trip last year, I would actually end up taking it seriously and even make a career out of it...It's been almost a year, 11 months (and counting) to be exact since I started taking up FLAMENCO. Fell in love with the passion and intensity that this art form demanded from me...and since then...i never stopped. The pounding of the feet, flipping of the skirt, keeping your chin up while trying to coordinate your arms, tucking your tummy in and butt at the same time (the list goes on)...just some of the things im trying to come to terms with in order to beautifully execute the grace and flair that this sensual dance requires. I LOVE IT!Everyday, am falling in love with it and to see yourself getting somewhere and gradually realizing that maybe there's a chance that you might have that "duende" within you...is something that never ceases to excite me and keep me motivated in pursuing it all the more. The process by which am discovering this inner passion and fire of being a flamenco dancer is a journey that I'm willingly taking right now...and look where it has brought me....am part of this SHOW "AY QUE JALEO!" flamenco show and we're performing on DEC 8. we already had a show last nov 24 and it was such a successful show. Am proud to be trained by CLARA RAMONA...my mentor and my inspiration to improve on my craft. I guess i would've never imagined continuing on and working hard....and be this dedicated if not for her...Oh well, am so excited right now....about the show and the future of this newfound passion...

"ABOUT ME" --- newly improved!

(taken from old blog site---november 13, 2005)

everytime i update my profile...i post my previous about me on my blogs just so i can keep track of my ever changing perspectives in life...hey am a girl...am entitled to be fickle mindes...read on and check out the new one on myprofile..

I'd like to believe that i'm a "work in progress"...have this knack for driving away people that i care about...i think it's an acquired habit.Not that I'm proud of it...don't get me wrong...I want nothing more than to be loved in the same way that I love...but I guess I'm just too sacred to let go completely ( i think I already heard this from someone...) Don't want them to get too close to me and when I feel that they're starting to...oh man, I freak out. I seem to have built a "4th wall" (it's a theater term..look it up!)that's too hard to penetrate.Guess my love for theater has gotten me too used to it that apply it in real life too.Hahaha!Dang...that sucks huh?!well, Someone told me I tend to be too stubborn daw...yah, I guess I do huh?I just won't admit it...but hey, am not that bad...i guess the brighter side of it is when you do penterate into that wall...hey, believe it or not..am a slave for love!:-D...

really!

contrary to what i previously said...it sucks to be alone!hahaha:-) but it should never stop us from believing that when the time comes...we'll find that happiness that we're looking for...I just wish there won't be days when its right in front of your face...hehehe!which reminds me...christmas is fast approaching...hay...sad..

Goin SEXY!

It's finally out....my first sexy (???) Hahahaha! pictorial. Well, haven't seen it but well...just hope it comes out good...dunno what else to say...check out PUMP magazine october issue and see for yourself...haha!goodluck :-) ... saken!

"ABOUT ME"

(Taken from old blog site---October 5, 2005)

Be afraid..be very afraid! I totally suck in love. i dont know if that's something i should even dwell on...am not really proud of my "loving" ways esp. after recently being caught up in this web of emotions at the expense of the people I love. I allowed my fears to overcome my desire to experience loving freely and unconditionally. In my attempt to prevent people from getting hurt, i made stupid decisions that led me to lose them just the same. I guess the love i gave is not worthy yet of redemption...i've deprived myself of the chance to appreciate LOVE as it came into my life, that i need to retrace my steps and rediscover the simple joys that only a real and honest love can give...

I'd rather be alone for awhile..long enough to give myself time to recover and finally get over..accept things as they are and look forward to a better life ahead and move on.I already took the first step,confronted my demons and faced reality head on..it was tough,I never realized i had a lot of issues to deal with,i've been in hiding a little too long to figure out the difference, and when i finally did, it scared the hell out of me that i resorted to going back to my shell, refusing to give in to the call of real love.The one person who was more than willing to take me in his arms has suffered.We kept it real..and that was the hardest thing.He took it all.I have more than enough hurt to endure and inflict on people...esp to the ones i care for the most.But i loved..and for me that's what really matters.Too bad it was too late before i finally came around.Yes, i guess im better off alone,i don't think i'm ready yet to get caught in the trap again. will just do what i do best..work!!!

Crazy Thang Called LOVE.

(taken from old blog site---september 18, 2005)

came across this "quotable quote" while surfing...and it struck me so hard...just have to share it...

There are some people who meet that somebody that they can never stop loving, no matter how hard they try. I wouldn't expect you to understand that or even believe it,but trust me...there are some love that don't go away...and maybe that makes them crazy.But we should all be lucky to end up with that somebody who has a little of that insanity...somebody who never lets go, somebody who cherishees you forever...

amidst all these happenings that i've been going through lately...i'd like to believe that during these moments...i had my taste of what it feels like to be loved by the one who has a little of that insanity.. hmmm,i guess am lucky after all...(smiling face)

ALONE :(

(Taken from old blog site---September 13, 2005)


I feel so alone...as if everything bad that's bound to happen as a consequence of what i did is occuring all at the same time...Am still hurting..for causing pain to the people who's only fault was to love me...and for finally realizing what it's like to lose the one love...Now, the repurcusion of the things i've done is finally sinking in...As i track back to the time when i felt so loved and cared for, when everyone around me made me feel like I'm the only one they need. What have i done?have i gotten too consumed by it that i wanted it all?How can i be so insensitive to allow the one person who's keeping you strong now to be the one to suffer from all this. Ironic as it is, but during these moments of frustration and rejection, you thrive on the love of the only person who showed you true and unconditional love....and the same person you turned away from. You live on your moments, when everything just seems to fall into place at the end of the day the minute you see him smile as he take you in his arms.i lived for this....but i let it go....now am alone...on my own..

On BOTH Ends...

(Taken from old blog site---september 7, 2005)

Someone told me that walking away from love is the hardest thing that one can ever do...but i did it. Twice. I never thought I could ever muster enough courage to be the one to say goodbye...i just got too used to being the unassuming-how-come-i-didn't-see-it-coming-what-am-i-gonna-do-without-you party...I've always been a crybaby so i guess the crying part wasn't at all too hard for me to do...tears tears tears, days of nonstop wailing until you're too dried up to a even shed a drop. It has become...shall i say, routinary, that you never realized how you've turned so cynical about the whole process of being in a relationship. Everything is preempted and anticipated--You fall in love (or so you thought),get bored (you never really shared a lot of things together), wait until HE gets bored (enough to give him time to come up with a good breakup line), find a reason to raise the issue (ladies first!),irritate him enough to get fed up and leave you... so when you get to the crying part again, you can still save enough tears for the next one.

But to be the i-have-no-other-choice-but-to-leave-and-let-you-go party, is a whole new different story...the reason itself on why you have to leave will always be the case in question...and most often than not, it will never be enough to compensate for the pain you've caused to the person you once loved and shared a lot of memories with...and the tears, every drop is like a thorn that bores through the heart of the one you loved, you suddenly feel numb, as you fight back the tears that starts to fall, for it will give away the pain you try so hard to conceal. I've always been the assertive, the vocal, the strong one. So I guess it wouldn't be too complicated to jump the gun and tell the truth.But to bear seeing the love of your life, fold up and break into tears,feel betrayed and wronged by you, is something i can never get used to at all and never will...so much that Id rather just come up with a good excuse or a better way of saying it in the hope that eventually, he would understand the whole situation and maybe someday, feel good about each other again.But just like how the song goes...there's no easy way to break somebody's heart, no matter how honest your intentions are...you're still bound to give them enough reasons to hate you and that's something beyond your control...so might as well lay all your cards on the table and leave it up to them.I admit, i resorted to the less complicated way of dealing with the situation...but the guilt am dealing with now is far deeper than if i chose the harder route...the truth.But for sure, it would've been more liberating..and maybe, just maybe we could still preserve the most important thing that made this relationship worth all the hurt and the pain we endured....the love we had and the all the memories we shared together...twice is enough...live and learn...and honestly, id rather do the whole crying ordeal than put up with something like this again..

On the SIDE and the other...

(Taken from my old blog site---september 7, 2005)

They say I'm unlucky in love...and yah, I guess I am...and the worst part is...its self inflicted. My past relationships are the living proof of my strange fixation to always find myself on the losing end. Whether it was for convenience, or fear of loving too much, I just seem to allow myself to be in this kind of predicament. That's why I never thought I would ever put myself in a situation where I would assume the role of being the aggressor...the player...the pimp...call it in anyway you want...but being on this side of the coin is probably the worst thing that can ever happen to someone who's only dream is to love and be loved. Not even in my wildest dreams have i ever considered myself being such...coz I, more than anyone, should know too well how it feels like to be on the "side". But, like i said,i inflicted this upon myself...I did this, and i deserve all the consequences that would come out of it. I wasn't aware at all about the rules of "THE GAME", I didn't even know that I was "IN" it but I played it...without realizing that the stakes are too high...and involves the only person who taught me the meaning of selfless love. The inconsiderate, mean and selfish bitch... I am "all of the above" to him now and I'm taking it all in. I have forsaken the one person I supposedly chose to save me from this unfortunate luck in love... How ironic is it to be in this endless pursuit only to find out that even when it's right under your nose...you still pushed for the complicated route bec you got so used to it?Maybe it's about time I realize that loving can actually be "such an easy thing to do"...that it can be as natural as being with the person you can come home to or as easy as allowing someone to see the real you. I lost the only REAL thing I have in my life bec of my desire to live in that fantasy...the pseudo reality i have created for myself sustained me for the longest time that i refused to come down and confront my fears...i preferred to stay within my comfort zone where there's no one else but me, hoping against hope that eventually i can turn this thing into what destiny has for me...I just wanted it so bad to be him...eventhough i know it will never be...

As I was living in the world of pseudo reality, my heart was touched and swept away by someone who accepted and embraced all of the things i can and cannot be...I had that one rare chance to experience what its like to love without conditions, without fear and inhibitions...and I shared it with the person who was able to bring out the true and real me...Suddenly, this one unexpected moment was all it took for me to hit the ground and wake up from my reverie.and before I knew it...i was free.The truth has set me free. and i found myself finally letting go of him, my created reality, with every dream and hope i have of US. But as much as its liberating, it was painful.On both ends and mine.yes, it took me this long to realize that..but being all too aware of that now, I'm really looking forward to a better gamble on the love thingy, with the NEWLY IMPROVED, still IMPERFECT but RECOVERING me...But then again,I've always welcomed the idea of "being alone but not lonely"...or single but happy..